David Corrado's Joke Page


David Corrado appears every Tuesday at 7:30 PM at the Bliss Art Café in Hollywood, 1249 N. Vine St. (a half block south of Fountain). Admission is free. He is also featured in the new book Jokes to Go by Judy Brown, available at bookstores everywhere.

Joke Samples

1. Now that Clinton is leaving office Janet Reno's looking for a new job. She could be the new lumberjack for Brawny paper towels. (1/10/01)

2. Britney Spears is in the new Pepsi commercial, Cristina Aguilera is doing an ad for Coke…What's next? Bill Clinton for Squirt? (3/30/01)

3. …Coke wanted to hire Britney, but they would have had to get rid of the slogan, "It’s the Real Thing…" (4/2/01)

4. The man who created Cliff’s Notes just died at age 90. If it weren’t for him George W. Bush might still be in college. (5/3/01)

5. Gary Condit once voted to post the Ten Commandments in classrooms, yet he broke the eleventh commandment: "Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff…" (7/20/01)

6. Michael Jackson had his big anniversary concert. There was one embarrassing moment when he took the stage with his five brothers and they said, "Who’s the white chick?" (9/10/01)

7. Anna Kournikova is coming out with a workout video. Do you think anyone who buys it actually works out? It's probably the same guys who buy Playboy for the articles... (9/24/01)

8. An anonymous woman is offering $15,000 for the sperm of a Stanford student. Boy, when I was in college I couldn't give it away... (11/15/01)

9. Did you get your flu shots yet? I heard you can get flu shots at Costco, but they only sell the vaccine in a 50-gallon drum. (11/19/01)

10. In Sao Paulo, Brazil, a man in a Santa suit shot a woman in the wrist, but she’s doing okay. The man is described as armed and extremely jolly... (12/19/01)

11. K-Mart just filed for bankruptcy. I better hurry up and use those gift certificates I got for Christmas. (1/22/02)

12. A prisoner in Boston is demanding that the state pay for his sex-change operation. I'm sure if he took up a collection his cellmates would pay for it. (2/6/02)

13. Sixty-nine-year-old Joan Collins just married a man half her age. Every night he’ll feel old age creeping over him… (2/25/02)

14. Scientists have discovered that when monkeys drink alcohol their behavior is similar to that of drunk humans. Here’s my question: how bored are these scientists? (3/11/02)

15. Mike Wallace announced he’ll cut back his workload on 60 Minutes. He says he wants to spend more time with his great-great-great-great-grandchildren. (4/9/02)

16. Last week Robert Blake was booked for his wife’s murder. That’s the first time he’s been booked anywhere in ten years. (4/24/02)

17. Anna Nicole Smith just got her own reality show on the E! channel. It’s sort of like Ozzy Osbourne’s reality show, except instead of a dog peeing on the carpet it’s her 90-year-old boyfriend. (6/4/02)

18. It looks like India and Pakistan might go to war over Kashmir. Bush said, "Why are they fighting over a sweater?" (6/7/02)

19. Yesterday Mick Jagger was knighted by the Queen of England. His oldest son wasn’t there: he’s in a retirement home in Florida. (6/17/02)

20. Procter and Gamble now has tampons in designer colors. Who is that supposed to impress? Does everything have to be color coordinated? (6/28/02)

21. Two American West pilots were arrested Monday for being drunk while operating a plane. They said it wasn't their fault. They're afraid of heights... (7/8/02)

22. There’s a movement in Las Vegas to legalize marijuana. Boy, you thought the line at the buffet table was long before… (7/15/02)

23. George Bush gave a speech to industry leaders concerning global warming. He said there’s only one solution: air conditioning. (7/18/02)

24. The National Enquirer reports that Britney Spears collapsed after a recent concert. I knew they made her implants too big... (7/24/02)

25. Swept Away stars Madonna and Adriano Giannini. It's an unlikely romance between two opposites: he's an actor and she's not. (10/16/02)

26. Trent Lott apologized for making racially insensitive comments. He said from now on he’ll try a lot harder to mask his true feelings. (12/17/02)

27. Mel Gibson is building a Catholic church in Malibu. He had a hard time explaining it to his Hollywood friends. He said it was kind of like rehab but you only go once a week... (3/25/03)

28. 7-11 now has its own brand of wine. It's aged almost as long as the hotdogs. (4/16/03)

29. O.J. is getting his own reality show. I believe it's called Joe Killionaire. (4/28/03)

30. President Bush is worried that Iraq could be overrun by religious fundamentalists. Hey, if it's good enough for the Republican party it's good enough for Iraq! (4/29/03)

31. Rebecca Romijn-Stamos says it took six hours to apply her body makeup for the second X-Men movie. The makeup man could have done it quicker but he was using finger paints... (5/7/03)

32. From Justin to Kelly opened over the weekend starring the two American Idol kids. They're already being offered a half-million each not to do a sequel... (6/23/03)

33. Jerry Springer filed papers to run for the U.S. Senate. He said he'd like to attract people who don't normally vote...or read...or bathe...or brush their tooth... (7/11/03)

34. In Seattle a female lawyer is in trouble for having sex with her client in jail—and the guy is on trial for murder. How creepy is that? Imagine having sex with a lawyer...(7/31/03)

35. Gigli opened in seventh-place at the box office this weekend. Maybe it's the title. People are saying, "One ticket for Giggly, uh, I mean Jiggly, uh...oh, hell, give me one ticket for American Wedding..." (8/4/03)

36. One of the candidates running for governor of California is a 100-year-old woman. Her platform is to bring back Murder, She Wrote...(8/15/03)

37. Gubernatorial candidate Gary Coleman is running low on funds. He never should have let his parents handle the campaign money. (9/16/03)

38. A lot of Hollywood celebrities are getting ready for Halloween. On the last episode of Newlyweds husband Nick had to explain to his wife Jessica Simpson that candy corn wasn't a vegetable... (10/27/03)

39. This grocery store strike in California is terrible. Today I was in Hollywood and I saw a crack dealer selling milk, eggs and bread...(10/28/03)

40. President Bush said he's very "troubled" by all the gay marriages going on in San Francisco. He's also troubled by math, English, science...(2/23/04)

41. Researchers have successfully used stem cell implants to grow hair on bald mice. You know what this means? Furrier hotdogs...(3/29/04)

42. Playboy is doing a "Women of Home Depot" pictorial. That makes sense. Playboy readers have always been "do-it-yourselfers..." (5/17/04)

43. Medicare now recognizes obesity as a disease. Can you imagine calling in sick for work? "Yeah, boss, I can't come in today--I'm feeling a little chubby..." (7/19/04)

Email: dcorrado@ucla.edu

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