1. Now that Clinton is leaving office Janet Reno's looking for a new job. She could be the new lumberjack for Brawny paper towels. (1/10/01)

2. Britney Spears is in the new Pepsi commercial, Cristina Aguilera is doing an ad for Coke…What's next? Bill Clinton for Squirt? (3/30/01)

3. …Coke wanted to hire Britney, but they would have had to get rid of the slogan, "It’s the Real Thing…" (4/2/01)

4. The man who created Cliff’s Notes just died at age 90. If it weren’t for him George W. Bush might still be in college. (5/3/01)

5. Gary Condit once voted to post the Ten Commandments in classrooms, yet he broke the eleventh commandment: "Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff…" (7/20/01)

6. Michael Jackson had his big anniversary concert. There was one embarrassing moment when he took the stage with his five brothers and they said, "Who’s the white chick?" (9/10/01)

7. Anna Kournikova is coming out with a workout video. Do you think anyone who buys it actually works out? It's probably the same guys who buy Playboy for the articles... (9/24/01)

8. An anonymous woman is offering $15,000 for the sperm of a Stanford student. Boy, when I was in college I couldn't give it away... (11/15/01)

9. Did you get your flu shots yet? I heard you can get flu shots at Costco, but they only sell the vaccine in a 50-gallon drum. (11/19/01)

10. In Sao Paulo, Brazil, a man in a Santa suit shot a woman in the wrist, but she’s doing okay. The man is described as armed and extremely jolly... (12/19/01)

11. K-Mart just filed for bankruptcy. I better hurry up and use those gift certificates I got for Christmas. (1/22/02)

12. A prisoner in Boston is demanding that the state pay for his sex-change operation. I'm sure if he took up a collection his cellmates would pay for it. (2/6/02)

13. Sixty-nine-year-old Joan Collins just married a man half her age. Every night he’ll feel old age creeping over him… (2/25/02)

14. Scientists have discovered that when monkeys drink alcohol their behavior is similar to that of drunk humans. Here’s my question: how bored are these scientists? (3/11/02)

15. Mike Wallace announced he’ll cut back his workload on 60 Minutes. He says he wants to spend more time with his great-great-great-great-grandchildren. (4/9/02)

16. Last week Robert Blake was booked for his wife’s murder. That’s the first time he’s been booked anywhere in ten years. (4/24/02)

17. Anna Nicole Smith just got her own reality show on the E! channel. It’s sort of like Ozzy Osbourne’s reality show, except instead of a dog peeing on the carpet it’s her 90-year-old boyfriend. (6/4/02)

18. It looks like India and Pakistan might go to war over Kashmir. Bush said, "Why are they fighting over a sweater?" (6/7/02)

19. Yesterday Mick Jagger was knighted by the Queen of England. His oldest son wasn’t there: he’s in a retirement home in Florida. (6/17/02)

20. Procter and Gamble now has tampons in designer colors. Who is that supposed to impress? Does everything have to be color coordinated? (6/28/02)

21. Two American West pilots were arrested Monday for being drunk while operating a plane. They said it wasn't their fault. They're afraid of heights... (7/8/02)

22. There’s a movement in Las Vegas to legalize marijuana. Boy, you thought the line at the buffet table was long before… (7/15/02)

23. George Bush gave a speech to industry leaders concerning global warming. He said there’s only one solution: air conditioning. (7/18/02)

24. The National Enquirer reports that Britney Spears collapsed after a recent concert. I knew they made her implants too big... (7/24/02)

25. Swept Away stars Madonna and Adriano Giannini. It's an unlikely romance between two opposites: he's an actor and she's not. (10/16/02)

26. Trent Lott apologized for making racially insensitive comments. He said from now on he’ll try a lot harder to mask his true feelings. (12/17/02)

27. Mel Gibson is building a Catholic church in Malibu. He had a hard time explaining it to his Hollywood friends. He said it was kind of like rehab but you only go once a week... (3/25/03)

28. 7-11 now has its own brand of wine. It's aged almost as long as the hotdogs. (4/16/03)

29. O.J. is getting his own reality show. I believe it's called Joe Killionaire. (4/28/03)

30. President Bush is worried that Iraq could be overrun by religious fundamentalists. Hey, if it's good enough for the Republican party it's good enough for Iraq! (4/29/03)

31. Rebecca Romijn-Stamos says it took six hours to apply her body makeup for the second X-Men movie. The makeup man could have done it quicker but he was using finger paints... (5/7/03)

32. From Justin to Kelly opened over the weekend starring the two American Idol kids. They're already being offered a half-million each not to do a sequel... (6/23/03)

33. Jerry Springer filed papers to run for the U.S. Senate. He said he'd like to attract people who don't normally vote...or read...or bathe...or brush their tooth... (7/11/03)

34. In Seattle a female lawyer is in trouble for having sex with her client in jail—and the guy is on trial for murder. How creepy is that? Imagine having sex with a lawyer...(7/31/03)

35. Gigli opened in seventh-place at the box office this weekend. Maybe it's the title. People are saying, "One ticket for Giggly, uh, I mean Jiggly, uh...oh, hell, give me one ticket for American Wedding..." (8/4/03)

36. One of the candidates running for governor of California is a 100-year-old woman. Her platform is to bring back Murder, She Wrote...(8/15/03)

37. Gubernatorial candidate Gary Coleman is running low on funds. He never should have let his parents handle the campaign money. (9/16/03)

38. A lot of Hollywood celebrities are getting ready for Halloween. On the last episode of Newlyweds husband Nick had to explain to his wife Jessica Simpson that candy corn wasn't a vegetable... (10/27/03)

39. This grocery store strike in California is terrible. Today I was in Hollywood and I saw a crack dealer selling milk, eggs and bread...(10/28/03)

40. President Bush said he's very "troubled" by all the gay marriages going on in San Francisco. He's also troubled by math, English, science...(2/23/04)

41. Researchers have successfully used stem cell implants to grow hair on bald mice. You know what this means? Furrier hotdogs...(3/29/04)

42. Playboy is doing a "Women of Home Depot" pictorial. That makes sense. Playboy readers have always been "do-it-yourselfers..." (5/17/04)

43. Medicare now recognizes obesity as a disease. Can you imagine calling in sick for work? "Yeah, boss, I can't come in today--I'm feeling a little chubby..." (7/19/04)

Email: dcorrado@ucla.edu

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